Compulsively Obsessive

They say that it helps if you keep yourself busy
So busy that my mind doesn’t have any time to realize that I’m not actually happy
Maybe if I tell myself enough that I’m happy, I’ll start to believe it
Or maybe I’ll just stay busy
Like they say

I think that’s how all of this started in the first place
I needed my mind to be a distraction from itself
So I started doing things over and over again
Checking my alarm 100 times before going to sleep
Ensuring that the door is locked (for the 10th time tonight)
Counting and recounting and multiplying and dividing numbers
Of tiles and people and cars
And I hate math
Who likes math honestly?
But numbers are easier to deal with than my thoughts
Numbers make more sense than my thoughts
My obsessive need to keep my mind off of my mind is driving me even crazier
But I need to stay busy
With something
Because I’d rather do something 100 times without thinking
Than have to sit alone with my thoughts
As long as I can find something to keep myself busy, I’ll be fine
That’s what I tell myself anyways
But what then when I run out of things to keep me busy?

As I lie here

as i lie here
i imagine
your hands
everywhere
your tongue
places it shouldnt be
your kisses
where they belong

as i lie here
i imagine
you loving me
smiling
laughing
enjoying me

as i lie here
i cry
knowing
this will never be
even in my dreams
even in an
alternate universe
even in
a million years

we are nothing
but
my hopeless
fantasies
and
guilty pleasures

Free

I walked along the river’s edge,
Dreaming of better days ahead.
I looked to see my reflection,
But saw you instead.

You may not know,
But you lead me on.
From night to day,
From dusk to dawn.

I can be a friend,
If that’s what you need.
I can be a lover,
If I was only freed.

Just say the words,
whichever they may be.
Just say the words,
so that I may be free.

Dark Clouds

Dark clouds circle me
Sure it’s a metaphor
But sometimes metaphors are real

The clouds circle my head
But no rain falls
Just shadows
The clouds leave below them

The shadows are also inside of me
Where my heart used to be
They suffocate the nonexistent feelings

I crave your love
But I cannot receive it
I gave you my heart
The shadows took its place

When will the sun shine?
I will never know
When will the light break through?

I’m tired of the pain
Of the weight of the clouds
You are my sunshine
I need you now

It Is Raining

It is raining
But I do not want to be inside
I want the water dripping down my fingers and falling from my nose
I want it blurring my vision and chilling the marrow of my bones

I should not be here
Not because I am forbidden
I am free to roam where the light is
But according to the others
Being here means I am sad

There is, I guess, a sadness
somewhere
But I have buried those thorns long ago
They keep the blood moving inside me
I would be hollow without them

They do not understand that I am happy here
They cannot see that these millions of things
Falling from the sky
These millions of things that are sending them inside
These are the millions of things
Reminding me I am alive

So hide if you wish
Stare at me strangely through your window
Wonder why I am standing in the rain

I wonder too about the things I can’t explain

Apparitions

Rain falls on one mountain,
but not another.
Roads and sloping fields
momentaries between forests
going further and on.

We forgot to be people,
becoming leaves instead,
drifting and wandering
as if pilgrims with no religion.

It’s Fall here
other leaves and sticks
are merely piles of bones,

but we were silent,
shifting apparitions
observing those

that were once like us.