Smoke

I don’t like cigarettes, but I like to watch
the smoke escape your lips

When you look at me I’m compelled
to take one drag
or two

To taste it on my tongue and
in my mouth
and imagine I am kissing you

I don’t like cigarettes but I like the way
the smoke mingles with the midnight air
hovering above us and
concealing the stars

I don’t like cigarettes but I like to watch
the orange glow in the darkness
burning how
you set my heart on fire

I don’t like cigarettes but I like the way
you hold them between your knuckles
then toss them to the ground
and lace those same fingers
between mine

Compulsively Obsessive

They say that it helps if you keep yourself busy
So busy that my mind doesn’t have any time to realize that I’m not actually happy
Maybe if I tell myself enough that I’m happy, I’ll start to believe it
Or maybe I’ll just stay busy
Like they say

I think that’s how all of this started in the first place
I needed my mind to be a distraction from itself
So I started doing things over and over again
Checking my alarm 100 times before going to sleep
Ensuring that the door is locked (for the 10th time tonight)
Counting and recounting and multiplying and dividing numbers
Of tiles and people and cars
And I hate math
Who likes math honestly?
But numbers are easier to deal with than my thoughts
Numbers make more sense than my thoughts
My obsessive need to keep my mind off of my mind is driving me even crazier
But I need to stay busy
With something
Because I’d rather do something 100 times without thinking
Than have to sit alone with my thoughts
As long as I can find something to keep myself busy, I’ll be fine
That’s what I tell myself anyways
But what then when I run out of things to keep me busy?

As I lie here

as i lie here
i imagine
your hands
everywhere
your tongue
places it shouldnt be
your kisses
where they belong

as i lie here
i imagine
you loving me
smiling
laughing
enjoying me

as i lie here
i cry
knowing
this will never be
even in my dreams
even in an
alternate universe
even in
a million years

we are nothing
but
my hopeless
fantasies
and
guilty pleasures

Free

I walked along the river’s edge,
Dreaming of better days ahead.
I looked to see my reflection,
But saw you instead.

You may not know,
But you lead me on.
From night to day,
From dusk to dawn.

I can be a friend,
If that’s what you need.
I can be a lover,
If I was only freed.

Just say the words,
whichever they may be.
Just say the words,
so that I may be free.

Dark Clouds

Dark clouds circle me
Sure it’s a metaphor
But sometimes metaphors are real

The clouds circle my head
But no rain falls
Just shadows
The clouds leave below them

The shadows are also inside of me
Where my heart used to be
They suffocate the nonexistent feelings

I crave your love
But I cannot receive it
I gave you my heart
The shadows took its place

When will the sun shine?
I will never know
When will the light break through?

I’m tired of the pain
Of the weight of the clouds
You are my sunshine
I need you now