Gym Phobia?

Hi, guys! Happy Valentine’s  Day! Sorry it’s been a while, but I’m still going mostly plant strong! 

I’ve lost a total of 15 pounds and I’m feeling overall pretty good. But I know I can do better.

As many of you know, one of my goals for 2017 is to start going to the gym. I know for some of you that sounds simple, but for me it’s terrifying. I’ve actually never stepped foot inside a gym.

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I know. Am I even human?

But it’s true, the gym gives me major anxiety. I’m actually feeling anxious thinking about it right now. I don’t know why the gym makes me anxious. Am I afraid of change? Afraid of being judged? I know everyone says that people at the gym are focussed on themselves, and could care less about the fat girl (me) on the treadmill. But I find that impossible to believe. I know the minute I walk in the door all eyes will be on me. Thinking, uh what is she doing here? She’s obviously past the point of no return.

Okay, so realistically I know they aren’t thinking that. But my anxiety tends to have a mind of its own.

So here are my questions:

  1. Do you have gym anxiety?
  2. Should I just bite the bullet and get a membership?
  3. Will I forever be crippled with this bully thing called anxiety?

Thanks for letting me vent guys! Hopefully I can face my fears and become the person I’ve always wanted to be!

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…. (Not Nicki Minaj. Just a confident, happy human) 😉

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Withdrawal. 

Since I’m on my fitness journey, I decided to eliminate soda from my diet. I mainly drink Diet Coke, with the occasional Sprite. And by mainly drink, I mean that’s all I drink. I work the night shift at work, and to keep myself awake I developed a not so healthy habit. I easily drink up to 6 cans a night. Plus the 4 or 5 I have during the day. Yikes. 

I know soda is bad for you. The aspartame in Diet Soda has a list of symptoms that are TERRIFYING!


I’ve been soda free for ten days, and two of those days were pure HELL. I went through the worst soda withdrawal. I had a headache that I thought would never go away. It lasted two days and no amount of aspirin helped. I felt weak and groggier than normal. I thought I would never get back to normal. But I survived those two days. And now I can’t believe how good I feel. Did I mention that I lost 8 POUNDS?

Can’t wait to see what’s to come! 

New Year, New Me?

Hi, guys! Has it really been two years? A lot has happened in the two years that I’ve been away..

A lot of you know me as this girl..

This was me three years ago and 100 pounds lighter. I had recently lost 70 pounds via starvation, weighing in at 190 pounds. And I was still considered overweight. But I was happy. I didn’t have depression or anxiety. I had a “boyfriend” who I thought loved me. I had a wonderful job and was in college. I had everything going for myself.

Then this happened..

Big difference, right? This is me currently. I broke up with my boyfriend. I graduated from Community College. I weigh nearly 300 POUNDS. I have terrible social anxiety and depression. I have a job that I hate. I binge eat weekly until I’m sick.

I need to get my life together.

About two months ago I decided that I was tired of being overweight. I’m tired of the back pain, and the social anxiety and depression. I’m basically tired of being tired. Did I mention that I’m only 23 years old? A few months ago, I watched some documentaries on Netflix that really got me thinking about my health. Cowspiracy, Forks Over Knives, Food Matters, and Vegucated, to name a few. I found out that eating a Whole-Food, Plant Based Diet is one of the best things you can do for yourself and the planet. So I’ve decided to give it a try. Starting today,  I’m going to eat a  mostly Whole-Food Plant Based Diet. One year. Mostly no meat, animal by-products, and no dairy.

This is the scariest thing I’ve ever done. To publicly say how much I weigh. To publicly say I binge eat and hide it. That I’m so unhappy with my life. But I have to tell the truth so I can move forward. I want to write about my experience because maybe it will help someone out there going through the exact same thing.

Two months ago at work I started thinking about what I wanted for 2017. Who did I want to be? Where did I want to go? So I came up with a list.

  • I want to travel more. My dream is to travel to London with my sister.
  • I want to move to the city. In my own apartment.
  • I would love to start a beauty blog. I guess this blog is a start.
  • I want to start meeting new people. Make new friends.
  • I want to lose 100+ pounds. My goal weight is 150.
  • I want to fall in love again.
  • I want to do something crazy to my hair.
  • Have a Plant Base Diet.
  • Exercise more.
  • BE HAPPY.

These are my current life goals. Most of them seem so simple, which scares me. It’s crazy to think that I’m striving to have even the most simplest things in my life. Which makes me even more determined.

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Here’s to a wonderful start to 2017. Cheers, everyone. Happy New Year!

Shipwrecked

Like Ishmael
I sought the sea

The wildness called out to me
I wished to set sail and never return

There was nothing left
For it had all burned

I was lost at sea
Wandering
Through endless darkness

Just me
Alone I live and alone I breathe

The ship went down
But it did not take me

I was drowning, drowning,
But I could see

The light that shone
Above, above

Heavenly sky the sun’s bright light
Rather than eternal black

A water grave for souls turned back
But not me
Not me

Ishmael did wander
And called to me

Set sail on the open seas
Floating on an ocean breeze

A tale I will have to tell
When I find heaven
Instead of hell

Thinned Blood

The alcohol opens old wounds that my thinned blood cannot heal.
Bad memories pour from my mind like a heavy nosebleed that my thinned blood cannot heal.
I keep drinking.

I drink and drink in hopes that the flow of memories will stop, like the coagulation of blood.
But the memories keep coming, getting darker and darker.
I keep drinking.

I need to drown out the memories, before I am emptied of blood.
I drink. I drink. I drink.
Until the memories are swallowed into darkness.

Embers of Our Love

The embers of our love,
Aren’t enough to hold a flame,
But neither of us,
See that as shame.

We desperately gather,
Fuel to feed the fire,
Holding onto the sticks,
We pray will keep us warm.

Love is our only warmth,
As we cling to one another,
Scared of the wind,
That knocks at our door.

Our house is ruined,
Falling apart as we sleep,
Our search for firewood,
Has left it’s timbers weak.

It’ll kill us both,
And I’d have it that way,
If it meant I could love you,
For just one more day.